Showing Up

Hello there and good evening.

I am working on a  goal.  It’s not exactly a resolution (I’ve been experimenting with it and working on it on and off since August of 2016), but it’s kind of like that I do suppose.  Especially with it being early January and all.  My goal is to show up to the things I say I’m going to do, as if it were my job.  I want to be consistent and well, I guess reliable.  I also want to be able to work, and I think this could be a really great way of beginning that process, since right now I am on disability for depression.

There is no immediate need for me to get a job.  Maybe this is the problem!  But I am working with what I have and where I’m at.  Having depression, I have come to realize that it manifests itself in the form of resistance.  “I don’t feel like it, I’ll do it later, I’ll do it tomorrow, I don’t want to” are very familiar phrases in my mental vocabulary.  This is something I have actually been experiencing since the middle of college.  Over the course of more than 10 years, my counselors and psych nurses, never really said to me, “You don’t do things because you have depression, and it’s hard for you to get motivated, so you just give up.” It was seen more as a mystery, and possibly an anxiety thing.  And who knows, there could be other factors involved besides depression (I do have anxiety and some social anxiety), but it helps, for me, to look at it in this new light.

I currently have a therapist who has been very optimistic about me and my capabilities.  And while this feels good, and is ultimately true, last session, I explained to her that that is simply not here I’m at in terms of working.  She listened, and heard me!  I really love my therapist.  So we are working on kind of a plan.  And while its nice to finally include her in this (I’ve been working on it since last August on and off, remember), I still see it as a solo project.  It’s not good or bad, it just is, and I don’t mind.  I think though, it will be good to track my progress here in this blog too.

I am a very ambitious person apparently, and I have a lot of interests and desires to do different things.  But I think I have narrowed my “To do / must do” activities down to three types.  I don’t know what my therapist will think about that.  She did say no more than 3 things.  But “types of things” and “things” are different…things. Ya know?  I suppose ultimately, it’s my decision.  And I think it’s ok to start out the way I want to.  So, without further ado, my three “to do / must do” activities are: 1. Exercise (the gym, exercise classes at the gym, and my dance class), 2. meditation (I am part of a meditation group, and I also signed up to take a beginner’s meditation class in mid January), and 3. Volunteering (I am taking a training session to become a literacy tutor, and I also have some other volunteer gigs).  These are all relatively social things on purpose.  I have things I want to do at home too, like meditate, go for walks, knit, clean my room up, etc.

So, this might be ambitious, it might be doable.  I will find out!  And take it day by day.  Tomorrow is my dance class, and I have therapy.  I am fully expecting to stumble and to have days where it is way too hard to get myself to do something.  But I think, the more I do this, the easier it will get.  And then, I hope, the more I will be able to build on it.

 

One thought on “Showing Up”

  1. Work and mental illness, it’s not an easy mix. i deperately want to go back to work myself but I am terrified. What will happen when it fails? Will I still be entitled to disability assistance or will the act of return to work disqualify me?

    That is only some of the Catastrophic Thinking that plagues me.

    I am bipolar. Depression and (mostly) Anxiety have always stood in the way of maintaining employment.

    I’ve had 39 positions (some within same companies) in 35 years.

    Don’t get me wrong. I have never lost a job. I have always gotten so anxious that I have quit. The pattern has been going on since I had my first job at aged 13.

    F.E.A.R.

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